Public bathrooms

I work in the community and travel to various homes in the area. This forces me to use public restrooms more than I care to. Why do I not enjoy public restrooms? 

Because public bathrooms are weird. There are weird marks on the toilet seats, the automatic paper towel dispensers never work- causing you to you flail about like a seizure victim waiting for 2 inches of brown paper, the water heats up too quickly leaving you with red hot hands... it just never goes well. 

Another bad thing about public bathrooms is the public. You are using the restroom with strangers and, therefore, have to encounter them. And this story comes from one encounter I recently had with a woman in a Bardstown, KY gas station bathroom. 

It was a hot summer day as I drove around the Bardstown area. I could not find the house I was supposed to go to and was getting increasingly frustrated with the Bardstown area. I pulled into a gas station to ask for directions [ain't too proud to beg] and decided to use the restroom because who knew when I would get through my visit and back to the office. I walked into the bathroom and what did I see?

A woman sitting on the toilet. This was not a 'one-seater' bathroom. This bathroom had 2 stalls. And no, I did not kick down the door Sparta style. This woman just did not close the door. Did not close the door at all. 

What do I do, as I enter the bathroom... do I leave? Do I dart to the other side of the bathroom and pray that the other stall is empty, offering a safe haven from... well, a grown woman sitting on the toilet? Do I scream and run in circles?

I opted to sprint to the other side of the restroom and act like I didn't see anything. Unfortunately, someone was occupying that stall, leaving me stranded. I couldn't leave, because I'd be faced with Misses squatty potty and I couldn't turn around because I'd see her in the mirror. So, I stood, facing the wall of the bathroom, like a child on punishment. I was being punished for using a public bathroom and standing in the corner was my time-out. 

I finally got to go into the stall and decided to stay into the bathroom as long as I could possibly stand to, just to avoid leaving the bathroom and seeing Misses No Shame. 

I thought the bathroom was clear, but I was wrong. There she was, Misses 'who closes doors anymore?'. I go to wash my hands, eyes glued to the intricate patterns on the floor when she starts talking to me.  

She explained, I just had to go the bathroom so badly, I didn't have time to close the door. I had to pee so badly, I even peed on myself a little. 

At this point in time, she shows me the pee stain on her paints. What was I supposed to do? Agree, that yes there are times that you don't have to shut the door because you have to pee so badly? Because no, I don't agree with that. I think you can always take the .25 seconds to close the door. Always. And, if you do pee on yourself, please don't tell me. and for god's sake don't point it out to me. 

This public restroom mess is enough to make any sane person where Depends, just to avoid these encounters.

having a big butt

Having a large rear-end can be really awkward, from day to day activities to picking a wardrobe. Forget rocking a pair of skinny jeans with a butt this big. It just ain't happening. it looks like someone stuck a 2 pears on a toothpick and wrapped them in denim. 


Even walking can be difficult. I try to maneuver around a cabinet or desk and end up ramming my booty into furniture. People are like, 'are you ok? didn't you see the desk?'


Yeah, I saw it, but my butt did not. My butt has a mind of it's own and swings in a wider radius than I can account for. NASA needs to plan my routes to make sure I can get through the office. 


My booty got me into an awkward situation one time in college. This story will require a couple back stories or background information, so let's get that out of the way. 


1) I do not like getting hit on. My big booty tends to draw attention from the male crowd, which should be flattering, but makes me uncomfortable. It's always, 'hey, nice butt' and I would prefer, 'you seem to have a great personality and I would like to get to know you... respectfully'. but alas, I get the weirdos, seemingly obsessed with butts... 


2) My sister is very fashionable. Wait, it all connects. She always looks nice and knows what's in fashion and likes to pass this advice on to me. And when she isn't telling me that I 'dress like a homeless person' she tells me that I wear my clothes too loosely. Which may be true. I like a little wiggle room in my clothes, I like to be able to breathe, and I like to keep my business private. But one day while shopping, she convinced me to buy a pair of capris which were 'fitted'. In the fashion world, that means tight. But she told me I looked good, I should get them, be confident, all that stuff. So, I bought the pants. And these pants are the star of my story:


Freshmen year of college, I was walking to class. It was a lovely fall day, so collegiate it was picturesque. I had just been shopping with my sister that weekend and bought a pair of cute capris, fashionable capris [hint hint, these are the tight pants]. As I walk down the main walk in Murray over the bridge, I notice a man look at me and smile. I smile back, thinking, 'what a friendly place this campus is... I love college, smily face!' 


I then pass the student center and another man looks at me and says, 'hello'... except it was like 'he-looooo'. I put on my simpleton, from the country smile, and say, hello! again, what a great, friendly college!!


Then I get to the library and it happens. A third man looks at me and smiles. 
Except he added: DAMN GIRL, LOOKING GOOD IN THEM PANTS!!


That's capitalized because he yelled it at me. All of a sudden, I realize that all those 'nice men' that had been looking me up and down were thinking the same thing. They were thinking about my tight, some say fashionable pants, and thinking about my large and in charge rear end. I was so embarrassed! I walked with my butt facing buildings, sometimes walking sideways, so that no one else would notice. 


Needless to say, those pants never came out of the closet. And perfectly good pair of pants to waste... damn. 

saying things under your breath...

that everyone ends up hearing. That is the worst!! You are talking in a loud restaurant and as soon as you say something inappropriate, the whole place gets quiet. Everyone looks at you [or at least it feels that way] and takes your comment out of context... or they just get to hear you say something off color. 


This happened to me at a family gathering a few years ago. Thanksgiving to be exact. Now, my family is a large, loud, southern baptist family. So, imagine lots of cousin, more mashed potatoes than you can shake a stick at [what the heck does that phrase mean? In what circumstance would I be shaking sticks at things to measure how much there is? don't make no sense....], and lots and lots of talking. 


Now, I am single gal and my family is always discussing this wonderful fact. They ask questions like 'why don't you settle down' as if I am a kid who ate a tub of cool whip and is now running laps around the building. Or they ask, 'why are you single?' as if multiple men come up to me daily, offering me their hands and I just turn them down for some unknown reason. My issue with singleness came up at Thanksgiving again...


Everyone wondering why I'm still single, why I'm not married, will I ever find a man.... I like to think it's because they think I'm so awesome, it's just astonishing to think that I'm single. It boggles their minds. This is why we keep discussing it. So when my nana [my word for grandmother] asked me when I would just get married, I answered, 'oh, when I find a man good enough for me'


and then I turned to my sister and said, 'or when they make gay marriage legal, hee hee'


This joke that I meant for just my sister was heard by everyone. and I mean everyone. aunts, uncles, cousins, mom, dad, papa, and nana. 


As stated earlier, my family is southern baptist. And this joke, did not go over well. Dead silence filled the once loud house and all eyes turned to me... 


Later that night, my mom said, 'we do not joke like that in front of nana'
You're right, no lesbian jokes in front of nana. 

Being hit on

This story is one that has been told over and over. It has some how become infamous among my group of friends. I'm a little nervous 'telling' this story via blog, but I'm gonna go for it anyway. So, here is the story:


I was a new employee at my place of employment and got suckered into working a festival downtown. I got to the festival early, but did not want to look like the new kid who comes to work early because I'm a suck-up.... so I decided to walk around the festival for a bit. After seeing every booth and still having time to kill, I decided to walk a block past the festival and then go back. Downtown, the sun was going down and there was no one on the block past the festival. As I walked, I heard a man yelling at me from a red dodge ram truck:


"hey girl, you looking good!"


Now, I was the only person on the block, so I knew this creepy McCreeperson was talking to me, but I decided to ignore him. I literally did not turn my head, twitch, or acknowledge his existence. Just look straight ahead and walk. 


"Hey girl, I'm talking to you! I said you are looking good!!"


Continue to ignore and walk with a purpose


"Hey girl.... girl!... car door slam"


He didn't say 'car door slam'. He got out of the truck. He got out of the truck while yelling at me. He came up behind me, grabbed my shoulder, and turned me around. 


I had three options. If I wanted to avoid being molested, or kidnapped, or assaulted, I could:
a) run for my life. But considering I run like a wooly mammoth with asthma, that option wasn't a good one. 
b) fight. But, the only fight I've ever been in was with my BFF [shout out betsy!] at bible camp... Not prepared. 
c) I could pretend to be deaf. 


That's right. I went with option c. 


He turned me around and I said, "I'm deaf"... while impersonating a deaf person. Since that moment, I've been able to identify the person that inspired the deaf voice. Here is a clip from the movie 'the other sister'. Listen to the girl's voice:


Deaf voice

I know!! When I get to those pearly gates, St. Peter will be playing this moment on the big screen, shaking his head, and saying 'really?!?!'


But you know what? It worked. He immediately apologized and started motioning with his hands. I replied, 'it's ok' [while doing the deaf voice] and he left. 


I walked away feeling victorious and ashamed at the same. But I had lived. I survived. 

Being a jerk

CAUTION: This post contains a curse word [just one, don't freak]. So for all you children out there cruising the internet, don't read this.


I get myself into trouble because... well.... I'm a jerk. I tend to make fun of people because I think I'm so hilarious. Sometimes these things just fly out of my mouth before I can stop them. I don't make fun of people to their face, I don't point and laugh, but I do say things under my breath to the people around me. I know, I'm terrible. Do I think I'm so perfect that I can pass judgement on people? No, I'm sure people make fun of me on a regular basis... and yet, I continue to make my little comments.


This flaw of mine got me into trouble not to long ago at a Taco Bell drive thru. Point of interest: I was by myself. So yes, I was making jokes and making fun of someone BY MYSELF. I give you full permission to make fun of me for that...


Back to the story: One night as I got off work around 1am, I realized I was really hungry. Taco Bell is about the only thing open around 1am that doesn't require me to get out of the car. Plus, taco bell is awesome, I don't care how low a rating the meat is...


I pull up to the ordering box [what the heck is that called anyway?] and the man says 'welcome to taco bell, what can I get you tonight?'


Except his voice... audience participation: scrinch up your nose, tighten your throat, and speak through your nose. and speak out of the side of your mouth a little bit. This is the voice that came through the ordering box. I choked back a laugh and gave him my order. I laughed to myself all the way around to the window. He told me my total and took my money. As he walked away, I mocked him. Out loud. To my self. I scrinched up my nose, tightened my throat, spoke through my nose and out the side of my mouth a little. Your total is 5.13, hee hee hee, his voice is funny! What am I, a six year old?


What I forgot was that my window was down. What I didn't realize was that the drive thru window was open. What I failed to see was the Taco Bell employee standing there with my bag of food and receipt.


I froze. I realized that I was a big fat jerk. Do I apologize for making fun of him, further pointing out that he had a ridiculous voice? Oh I didn't need to:


He handed me my food and receipt and said "here's your food, have a good night... bitch"


I just nodded my head and drove off. To eat my taco bell alone and think about what I'd done.