Beer Pants

Beer. It's like liquid bread... or liquid gold. It makes pizza better, football games bearable, people more attractive, and bellies tubbier. Beer is the subject of my story.

The other night, I went to a college football game with some co-workers. We tailgated before the game and were having a really good time. Let me take a time-out on the field to explain that it was about 97 degrees outside. And you have never felt humidity like we have in the Ohio Valley. Seriously, walking outside is like jumping in a lake... a lake full of sweat and stickiness. Grossed out? You should be, the humidity up here is nasty.

Anyway, we were outside in the hot weather, generally having a good time. We then walked to the stadium, walked up the 8 flights of steps to our seats [not joking] and watched the game. The sun was beating on us and I was sweating like [to use the proper term] a 'mo-fo'.

During the game, my friend Dot laughed and spilt some of her beer in my lap. No biggie though. It just looked like I peed my pants. But, I figured it was so hot anyway and I already smelled disgusting because I was so hot that I didn't care. The beer would eventually dry and I would live. I went about the night, my team lost the game, but other than that, I had a really good time :)

The next morning, I stumbled out of bed and threw on some pants. Now, let me stop you right now before you start judging. How many people wear pants multiple times before they wash them. Show of hands.... that's right, EVERYBODY wears pants a few times before you wash them. It's a basic instinct we pick up in college when we realize that drying pants takes way more quarters, so wash them sparingly.

So, I put on some pants from the floor of my room and went to my internship. At my internship, I helped set up for a festival downtown and had to lug boxes from the parking garage to my booth. Again, the humidity of the Ohio Valley was intense and I was sweating.... again. I then went to my real job and worked at the computer.

Once I sat down for a bit, typing up some case notes, I realized that I smelled funny. I secretly did the 'pit check'.... nope, not my pits, I definitely put on deodorant and do not stank.

But I kept smelling it. It was like sweat and....

beer. It was sweaty pants with dried beer. I wore my nasty beer pants for an entire day in a professional setting. I was officially disgusting....

Moral of the story: Beer is not always your friend. Sure, it seems like you and beer will always have a good time, but then it stays around for too long. It hangs out on the crotch of your pants, making you feel  gross and sad. That's what beer will do to you, children.